How an Unexpected Hospital Stay Changed My Writing

I was hospitalized this past month. If you follow my social media, you already know that, but if you’re mainly here, you probably don’t. Long story short, I caught suspected COVID, which turned into walking pneumonia, which meant I was on a lot of antibiotics…which turned into a severe CDiff infection. C Diff is a bacterial infection that causes colitis, sepsis, and even death. I was hospitalized for five days, and then I was able to go home for the remainder of my isolation period (five additional days). Now I’m back to work and life with more antibiotics and a severely restricted diet. But hey, I’m alive. That’s something to be happy about.

To be completely honest, my hospital stay was unexpected. That week, I left work early on Wednesday, because I suspected something was wrong, but I still tried to sleep it off. By Thursday morning, I was attempting to be seen by my doctor (who was scheduling two weeks out, so they told me to go to the ER) and an Urgent Care (whose power went out and sent me to another Urgent Care, who also told me to go to the ER).

Surely, I thought, it cannot be that bad.

I didn’t go to the ER. I went home. By that night, though, I had regretted that decision. I decided to go to the ER after dropping my daughter off at daycare Friday morning. I went in thinking I would be home for dinner. It came as quite a surprise when they told me I was staying overnight…and for quite a while. I was very, very sick.

Over the next few days, I got worse, and then better. I’m feeling decent now. A little more sluggish than usual, but that’s to be expected. What wasn’t expected was how fast everything spiraled out of my control.

You see, I work full-time as a Program Manager. I love plans. I thrive in plans. It’s why I outline all my books, set goals, and always hit them. In fact, right before I had been hospitalized, I had written 16k in a new WIP in only three days. I was feeling fantastic. I even dared to think that I would finish a first draft by the end of September. Silly me.

I haven’t even had a chance to get back into writing books.

Sure, I could’ve opened that document instead of writing this blog post, but the mere idea of diving into a larger piece right now feels daunting. I’ve barely managed to catch up at the day job after missing a week and a half, let alone catch up on home life and rest.

Logically, I know life comes first: my health, my family, then work, then writing.

It’s hard, though, when you already feel like you’ve fallen behind.

Many of my friends have gone on to get book deals or indie publish, or even decide it’s time to take a break and owning that break.

And I’m just…same ol’ me.

Don’t get me wrong. I am continuing to write. I want to keep writing. But I feel down about it right now.

I wish I could tell you I walked away from my hospital stay with grace and resilience and gratitude—and I do think those emotions are there—but doubt and guilt are still chomping away at my soul. Imposter syndrome, too.

Why bother, I think, when I keep having setback after setback? Is the universe telling me to quit? Am I not good enough? Healthy enough? Determined? Is this the end?

I don’t think it’s the end. I still love the two WIPs I was working on before, but getting back into them feels a lot like getting back into a car after a car wreck. (And I’ve been in a handful of those.) It’s nerve-racking. The uncertainty feels destabilizing. Basically, I am not as positive as I was before. My hospital stay changed my writing in a negative way. I don’t think that’s entirely unexpected. After having the wind taken out of your sails like that, it’s difficult to pick up speed again. But I know I will.

My goal is to try writing in my books this week. Even if it’s just one chapter. Even if I dread it. I won’t push it too hard, though. My health is going to come first. If not this week, then next week. If not that week, then the week after that. I trust I’ll find my way back soon.

Maybe my next blog post will be about finding your groove again.  

Maybe I’ll feel 100% by then and have new words to celebrate,

~SAT

P.S. I usually try to focus on positivity around here, but I also think it’s important to show the struggle, which is why I decided to share this. Maybe it’ll help others struggling to know they’re not alone in finding their way back after losing momentum.